I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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