I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You've changed since you got that strap on
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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