I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
