awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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