my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
