I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize