I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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