Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
