This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
