so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
