She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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