Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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