We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
