I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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