Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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