2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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