Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
