i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize