Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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