ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
