Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize
