I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
we're so committed to being not committed
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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