I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
