you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
