just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
