Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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