I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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