I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
