wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize