I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
