Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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