I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i love accidental penises.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
