So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
