there's paper in my vomit.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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