Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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