I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize