I wish you could order shots online.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize