im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We left the knife in your bed.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
