Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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