fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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