Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
