pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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