btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
