my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
