Cold hands, warm shart.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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