WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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