And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
