meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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