I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
