Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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