So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
