im drinking this country out of the recession.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize