I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
