After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just invented taco cereal.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
