theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
