I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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