I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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