We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
