you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
