Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
How external is "for external use only"?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
