it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
