How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
