I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
