ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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