I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he thought i was a dude.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
