How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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