I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
