I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
