We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
