Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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