And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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