In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
