dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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