When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
